I Hope They Allow Crutches in Hell
As published on The Ulman Cancer Fund for Young Adults
Crutching is a great way to help injuries heal and bypass the lines at Disney World, and able-bodied individuals may treat crutchers with kindness. If you use crutches and think people are nice to you only because they consider you weak, and you must prove your strength until your death by always taking the challenging path through life, then follow these steps.
On the Washington, D.C., Metro, people will ask, “Do you want my seat?” Don’t let them snatch your completely irrational pride. You need to stand on one leg while holding crutches with one hand and the pole with the other as the train jerks and halts. There are several ways to respond to this offer:
The polite way: “No, thanks.”
The jerk way: “I’M NOT TAKING YOUR SEAT!”
The 16-year-old boy way: “I only sit for lap dances.”
When you reach the sidewalk you must speed-crutch so people think you’re crazy and intimidating instead of weak. Your loud crutch tips and long, quick, repetitive strides will make you sound like a galloping horse. You will quickly pass pedestrians walking in the same direction, though they will hear your approach for hundreds of steps. Here, you should politely say, “ON YOUR LEFT!” when you are 50 feet behind them, as a warning. For individuals who are hard of hearing, you should scream directly into their left ears when you are next to them. Since you won’t know who is and isn’t impaired, do both every time. Keep reading I Hope They Allow Crutches in Hell
Tom Coccagna interviewed me on his "Living With…" podcast. You can hear our awesome hour-long discussion (also available on iTunes, Soundcloud and Stitcher).
Crutching is a great way to help injuries heal and bypass the lines at Disney World, and able-bodied individuals may treat crutchers with kindness. If you use crutches and think people are nice to you only because they consider you weak, and you must prove your strength until your death by always taking the challenging path through life, then follow these steps.
On the Washington, D.C., Metro, people will ask, “Do you want my seat?” Don’t let them snatch your completely irrational pride. You need to stand on one leg while holding crutches with one hand and the pole with the other as the train jerks and halts. There are several ways to respond to this offer:
The polite way: “No, thanks.”
The jerk way: “I’M NOT TAKING YOUR SEAT!”
The 16-year-old boy way: “I only sit for lap dances.”
When you reach the sidewalk you must speed-crutch so people think you’re crazy and intimidating instead of weak. Your loud crutch tips and long, quick, repetitive strides will make you sound like a galloping horse. You will quickly pass pedestrians walking in the same direction, though they will hear your approach for hundreds of steps. Here, you should politely say, “ON YOUR LEFT!” when you are 50 feet behind them, as a warning. For individuals who are hard of hearing, you should scream directly into their left ears when you are next to them. Since you won’t know who is and isn’t impaired, do both every time. Keep reading I Hope They Allow Crutches in Hell
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In the MediaTom Coccagna interviewed me on his "Living With…" podcast. You can hear our awesome hour-long discussion (also available on iTunes, Soundcloud and Stitcher).