Subway: Colon Fresh

Last Monday I eat half of a three-day-old buffalo chicken Subway sandwich. Immediately I feel nauseous. My body has trained itself to stave off vomit, despite my desire to get it over with, so for three hours I sit in agony at my desk. I’ve vomited in many different places, but never at work: it is time to pull the trigger.

I enter a single-stall bathroom: occupied. Another: occupied. I walk upstairs to the bigger facility: empty. I enter the end stall, place a small tree-worth of paper towels on the ground and around the bowl, and drop to my knees. Just before I go for the finger, someone walks in to get his own relief. I leave and return later.

Empty now, I go for it. Finger in mouth, gag reflex, come on puke! It doesn’t work, an outcome I haven’t experienced before. This Subway is stubborn.

I go home early and sit in my La-Z-Boy motionless, watching Monday Night Football coverage for hours. Finally, as I watch Blaine Gabbert cause similar nausea for Jaguars fans, it comes rapidly. I have never missed a toilet, bucket or Mother Nature, and I am not about to let Subway top chemo on that front. I shuffle to the bathroom, lift the seat and unload the Subway that has clogged my stomach for the last ten hours. Ah, relief.

I could hardly eat for a day and then began re-introducing my body to raw fruits and vegetables, the bulk of my normal diet. I don’t think my feed is meant for human intestines: years ago, when I began my quasi-paleo diet, my insides seethed until, I’m guessing, proper intestinal bacteria accumulated. Subway expelled that bacteria, leaving me with daily tummy discomfort until the bugs return in full.

Subway should drop Jared and target its marketing toward the colonoscopy prep industry. Subway: Eat Food Poisoning-Bacteria and get Colon Fresh for Probe! Jared slimmed because of salmonella, not submarines.