Nice Sunglasses, She Said

In the summer before my first year of college I got a pair of black Oakley sunglasses, complete with orange prescription lenses. They were as kickass as shades get. In fact, I rarely wore them on campus because I was afraid girls would be instantly attracted, dump their boyfriends and begin pursuing me. The angry boyfriends would then form a cult intent on destroying me and my Oakleys. A legitimate fear, I know.

I decided to take the risk one late afternoon on the way to the dining hall with my friend, PingPongGirl. I walked across the quad to wait for her in front of her dorm. I sat on the bench and stretched out my arms, looking cool as can be. A different girl in her dorm stepped out and looked at me. “Nice sunglasses,” she said with a smile, and then walked away.

Holy shit, is it really working? What if these really are a babe magnet?

PingPongGirl walked out of her dorm shortly after and looked at me funny.

Oh no, not you too.

She began laughing hysterically.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Benjy, look at your sunglasses!”

“What are you talking about? Some girl just hit on me because of them.”

“Seriously, just look at them,” she said, continuing to laugh.

I took the Oakleys off my head and looked at them. Incredibly, without me noticing, one of the lenses had popped out. I was walking around campus looking like a pirate with an orange Oakley lens of an eye patch.