Special Collections

Over the years my house has collected some interesting items. Some have been thrown away while others have accumulated in cabinets and such…

Dozens of puke buckets are stacked under sinks everywhere in the house. My favorites are the pink ones. At one time those plastic containers were distributed in every room – just in case. I had a pretty sweet deal, where instead of rushing to the toilet to spew, I just grabbed a bucket. Then, someone else cleaned it up because “I wasn’t feeling well,” or “It was too gross and may make me puke again.” Those suckers fell for it.

We used to have gallons of Biotene, the gentle germ-killing mouthwash. My hospital gave it out like candy. My nurse once said the hospital had stock in it, and I’m pretty sure she was joking.

A set of crutches are chilling in my closet. I bust them out on occasion to practice my tricks and crutch up the hill – they’re great for the triceps. In a different closet is my walker, which I still use to race tortoises. I smoke those critters every time.

Somewhere hidden is my sitz bath. Unless you have problems with your asshole (literally) you probably don’t know what a sitz bath is. It’s a bucket that fits over the toilet and is filled with warm water. A bag is hung from above and has a tube going into the bucket. When you sit down, a continuous flow of warm water bumps and grinds on your anus, soothing your fissures like you never knew was possible. And you think I’m joking.

Any time you have bowel problems, especially fissures, baby wipes are the way to go. Despite what people say, I assure you you’re never too old to use them. My house still collects them just for fun.

A shower chair lies dormant in the guest bathroom that nobody uses, along with the handheld showerhead connected by a long hose. This is by far the best way to take a shower. The only time you have to move is when you’re soothing your deep anal fissures. Most people consider these luxury items, but on the contrary, I consider them necessities. I plan on appealing to my representative to get them subsidized for everyone. A shower chair and handheld showerhead are the ultimate in leisure products.

I retract my previous statement because I forgot what's next to the puke buckets – clear plastic urinals. Ladies, I have no idea how they work for you. If you’d like I can research and get back to you. But fellas, imagine waking up late at night having to piss. You know that if you walk all the way to the bathroom you won’t fall back asleep. So, grab a urinal and have at it. Over time your skills will improve to the point where you don’t even have to tilt your body for better positioning. I don’t want to brag, but years ago I was a professional. Not only did I not have to tilt, but I didn’t even need to look to make sure it wasn’t overflowing. Through a combination of factors, including the warmth of the bottle, the amount of piss and the dew point temperature of the air, I knew what I was doing.